Thankful...

that I'm not this asshole. I don't disagree that Americans are way too fat and let's face it, mostly because we eat too much of the wrong things while sitting in front of our televisions. But I didn't realize that we had elevated belittling others to a level where we proudly boast about doing so in newspaper opinion pieces. Here I am belittling people behind their backs (the way civilized people are supposed to, I thought) and feeling somewhat ashamed about it and then this guy tells me it's my moral obligation to publicly disparage others for their own good.

I guess what pisses me off most about this guy is his assumption that every fat person is exactly the same: greedily shoving others away from the buffet table while we belly up shoveling food into our little pieholes by the fistfuls. I've yet to actually witness that behavior out of even the most obese citizen. But I'm going to go out on a limb here and add that genetics plays some role in obesity. It's not the end of the story, by any means, and if you work hard enough, you can outsmart your genetics up to a certain point. But I know that I make better food choices than my husband, eat smaller portions than my husband and actually exercise. His exercise is shuffling to the fridge for another beer. I don't drink, by the way, because it tends to make me bloat. He never bloats. Ever. He misses one meal and he loses five pounds. I don't eat for a week because of a stomach virus or grief or whatever, I might lose a pound, but the first time I eat a meal again, back on it goes. And I swear I gain weight every time I drive past the Krispy Kreme store. It's on the freeway; sometimes I HAVE to drive that way, dammit! My son has a friend whose mother is very vigilant about feeding them good, healthy foods which they actually eat. Now unless she's a total fake (which I don't think so, that's why she's still my friend) and letting the kids mainline M&Ms while they are sleeping, she's feeding those kids a much healthier diet than my kid gets. Yet one of her kids (only one, not the other) is pushing the density envelope while my kid is still blissfully average in size. Here's hoping he got daddy's metabolism in addition to daddy's laid back mental state.

What I'm saying is that some bodies are genetically predisposed to thinness and some.....aren't. I have been thin and in shape and literally able to stop traffic with my body; but I wasn't happy and I'm sure I wasn't much fun to be around. When your entire life revolves around what is or isn't going into your mouth, the numbers on the scale or how tight or loose your clothes feel, well, you are pretty fucking boring. Not to mention highly neurotic. I have to work five times harder than someone like my husband to lose weight and frankly, at this point in my life, I'm just not interested anymore. I have better things to do, like watch television. Have you SEEN Nip/Tuck this season???

Anyway, striking a blow for fat people everywhere, here is my response to the above referenced asshole. You can thank me by not boring others with carb counting and workout schedules and not openly mocking people who don't look like supermodels. And today, just eat the fucking food without worrying about it, ok?

Friday Conversation...

Husband (clearly exhausted from a week of high stress work and never-ending deadlines and fighting Friday rush hour): So how was your day? What did you do?

Wife (clearly under-employed): I cleaned my pores today with a Biore Pore Strip. OH, and I downloaded "Smack My Bitch Up".....

Husband (scuttling to fridge for beer): oh, uh, great...

Feeling like Cher Horowitz ("Clueless") whose big accomplishment was "breaking in her new purple clogs". If only my life had that much meaning....

Bitch-gate...

If women want to be taken seriously as equals in the world then they have to stop acting like damsels in distress whenever someone gets rough or calls them a bitch. If you missed the story, recently at a fundraiser a supporter (female, by the way) asked John McCain, "how do we beat the bitch", referring, of course, to Hillary Clinton. McCain had the grace to look chagrined but ultimately took on the question without chastising the woman which led to claims of "ungentlemanly" behavior, as if he was supposed to throw down and challenge the woman to a duel in order to defend the fair maiden Clinton's honor. Was the woman's question inappropriate? Sure, probably, who cares? It wasn't McCain's job to scold the woman or rise to Hillary's defense out of some notion of chivalry. Chivalry is dead, especially in politics. God only knows what sort of criticism he'd have garnered had he chastened the woman. That's probably why he covered his face: knowing there was no graceful way out of this little quagmire because there were women involved and either way he was fucked. And not in the traditional sense. I'm no McCain supporter; I think he's the worst kind of political whore: the kind that used to have a shred of integrity but decided to give it away in exchange for the hope of votes. But give the guy a break. He has a big enough job trying to keep himself alive politically without worrying the minutiae of political correctness.

All of this comes on the heels of the last Democratic debate where Obama and Edwards got pretty critical and pointed with Hillary and Bill felt compelled to say later that they had "piled on" because she was a woman - making the debate sound like a biker gang bang. Maybe that would be more entertaining, but I digress. Her opponents didn't attack her because she's a woman; they attacked her because she's AHEAD and if they want to live to fight another day, they have to take her on. Politics is a bare-knuckle brawl; it hasn't been genteel since, well, ever. Hillary can take it; she's a tough broad and I mean that as sincerest flattery. And none of this is a criticism of her; she seems to take all the bullshit in stride as well she should. But people need to stop this double-standarding (and women are extremely guilty of this) of wanting to be considered as good as the boys but then demanding that someone rush to their defense when the going gets ugly. Defend yourselves, bitches!

Beavis...

My son is a boy scout (ugh) and my husband was supposed to be the "popcorn king" of his den this year, which really means I'm the "popcorn king". So I'm sorting and delivering everyone's popcorn sales. Every time I come across a "Three-Way Tin" I get this Beavis giggle in the back of my brain.

Huh-huh-huh, I said "come" and "three way", all in one sentence...

Urgent News Flash!!!

Fat girls don't get hit on as often as models!!!!! I'm truly stunned. http:/http://www.etonline.com/news/2007/11/55521/index.html Next up: ugly people have trouble finding dates and rude people are often referred to as assholes. See our important investigative news story tonight. When will ET learn that we don't want investigative journalism when we watch this show. This show is the equivalent of what I would take to the can while taking a shit, so I don't expect nor want "investigative journalism". I don't take "Newsweek" with me to the toilet because I can't finish the articles. Unless I'm REALLY sick, that is. Plus it's not "investigative" when you state what the rest of the friggin' conscious world already knows.

It was just a year or so ago that ET sent Vanessa Manillo out in a fat suit to prove the same thing. What's the fatty obsession over there at ET? Any why do they think this is "news" to anyone but them? Maybe it was the idiot models' idea. Next up, models are often stupid. Any woman that's ever been even vaguely chunky knows the world can be a cruel place. Anyway, those fat suits are way worse than the real fat would be at that size. Plus I think some of their chubby cheeks are starting to peel off which doesn't help turn the dudes on.

I'm tempted to find one of these model types, sit on her and force feed her, a la "gluttony" in the movie "Seven" and let her see what life is REALLY like when you're that fat and can't lose the weight when you go home at night....

(Stop) Bringing Out the Dead

Yes, I watch Dancing With The Stars. Cheesy, guilty pleasure. But I justify it because I read the newspaper (ALL of it, not just the comics or sports); I watch the news; I watch political talk shows and keep up with current events. All of which makes my head explode so I justify DWTS and US Weekly as my earned treat for being such an informed, unhappy citizen. We all need a little brain twinkie here and there. Rationalization over.

Marie Osmond and Jane Seymour's "Duel of the Dead" must stop. The trotting out of dead relatives in hopes of sympathy votes is tacky. First Jane's mom died. Marie countered by fainting on live television; Jane countered with a home imperiled by fire. Not to be outdone, Marie brought out her thousand-year old dad. Jane hit back with food poisoning. Monday night Jane got tough again by using the dead celebrity friend dedication showing footage of "good friend" (and handily dead guy) Johnny Cash. She and her dancing partner even wore jewelry that once belonged to June and Johnny. Made me wonder if they had been out grave robbing in the previous week instead of practicing. Jane, Jane, Jane...

Marie's father passed Tuesday, or was it Monday night, and that apparently was enough to push her up and over Jane, who was eliminated on Tuesday's results show. Good. I was getting kind of worried for Donny and Jane's kids. After all, there are only so many dead relatives and friends you can use before you need fresh meat. Poor Cheetah girl Sabrina, who was by far the best dancer but was eliminated last week. If only she had some sick or dead relatives to help her out...