Dear DFW Driver,

When you keep ten cars from getting through the light because you sat running your mouth on your cell phone while traffic passed you on the right and left, I reserve the right to shove said cell phone so far up your ass that your teeth play "My Humps" the next time you get a call. Deal?

And since we're on the subject, on the freeway, the left lane is reserved for passing; it isn't reserved for YOU. Use it, leave it, use it again, but don't hog it like it belongs to you and you alone. Usually you are talking on the phone (see above) but that's no excuse. Move the fuck over. I recently drove all the way from New Orleans to Dallas and didn't encounter one, not one, left lane hogger until I crossed the Texas state line. And there they were: the SUV hoggers, the massive pick-up truck hoggers, all just hoggin' that lane because apparently it had been reserved for them and them alone. You are not the pace car and this isn't the Indy 500. Get outta the way! I reserve the right to mount dual RPGs on the front of my car to move you out of the way if necessary (I'm in the process of importing an Iraqi explosives specialist as we speak). I also reserve the right to drag you from your car and beat you senseless because it's the only way to stop future generations of left lane hogs as I'm pretty sure it's a genetic defect.

Oh, and one more thing: those blinky things on the sides of your car, on the front and back? They are called "signal lights" and are used to "signal", i.e. "communicate" to other drivers what your intentions are. Therefore, please use them. And don't use your left turn signal to signal a right-hand turn. It may be "opposite day" in your world, but the rest of us are on real time. Kapish?