Forget WMDs, that's soo 2003. Out here in suburbia I'm always on the lookout for MWPs. And they always seem to be looking for me. Why? I'm a slacker. I was a slacker before the word "slacker" came along to describe me. And I'm still slacking now that the term has become passe'. Slacking is not allowed in the modern 'burbs. No. No way, no how. "Productive" and "competitive", those are the buzzwords of the modern suburbanite. Especially the modern suburban mom. Double especially the modern suburban mom who doesn't work (except at the gym and on her tan) and has made child-rearing her "job". I used to think that was a good thing, the "job" approach, that is. But everything in moderation. "Moderation" being another profanity in the land of tract housing. Mothering these days, especially in certain socio-economic strata, has become a competitive sport. No one wins, mind you, most especially the children of the competitors. But that's irrelevant. What matters is the competition.
So what exactly is a MWP you ask? It is a Mother With Plans and there is no other demon in heaven or hell that I avoid more assiduously. In fact, my diligent avoidance of said species is almost strenuous enough to strip me of my slacker creds. But they are out there, even in summer. Maybe most especially in summer. These are women who are not practiced in the art of spending downtime with their kids. "Downtime" being another sacrilege out here. Downtime with the kids being downright unthinkable. How will I tan? How will I work out? How will I get my mani/pedi/massage? My ME time? So they make plans. With you. They want to schedule. They want commitments. They want activities, destinations, itineraries, recreation, PLANS, something to count on. All things I DON'T want, ever, most especially during my summer. MY downtime; my reprieve. All I want to do is pull the drapes and watch "Trainspotting" over and over.
See, I work in a school so I'm around their kids for the entire school year. I sympathize with the mom who doesn't want to spend time with their kid; frankly, if some of those kids were mine, I wouldn't want to spend time with them either. I don't want to spend time with them now. But those kids couldn't be mine because they would never have been allowed to live being as obnoxious as they are. I have an extremely low tolerance for obnoxious children (and their parents, the two being quite closely related) which means I can't be around 98% of the population under the age of 18. How I ended up working at a school is another post - not to mention six months of therapy sessions.
So the MWPs. I've been reduced to hiding, scanning phone messages, not returning calls. We just returned from 11 days of vacation, which was great. But we just got back late yesterday evening after traveling all day long via plane. All that stripping and re-dressing at the security checkpoints is exhausting! I just figure normal people need at least one day to recover from travel. I need 5-10. Especially when I return from places as beautiful and culturally rich as Hawai'i and Seattle, WA. I mean, I'm returning to DALLAS, TX, fer crissakes. Ain't shit here; I need a little time to ease back into the vapidity of life here. To accept that I'll never live in Waikiki. But there it was, at precisely 11 a.m. this morning (I had barely been up, being that I crossed several time zones in the past few days) the Mother of all MWPs calling me up to "welcome" me home. Thank god I didn't answer the friggin' phone. I'm pretty sure she had some "plans" to discuss with me.
So they are looking for me and I'm avoiding them. Such is my life. Can't tell them to fuck off completely because my kid does need a social life. I just wish his social life didn't involve me. At all. One day. He's young yet. But that means more years with the MWPs. At least until I go back to full time work. The MWPs don't usually socialize with the "others". "Others" being those with a LIFE.....
