Attack of the massive mammaries...

I'm no prude, really. I watch Real Sex on HBO and porn with the spouse from time to time. If I weren't so cheap I'd order Skin-a-Max just for the daily soft-core porn. I don't believe that a woman's sexuality ends at a certain age or with the arrival of motherhood. And believe me, I giggled mightily while consulting the thesaurus for synonyms for "breast" and "boob". But I have to say the way women dress when attending elementary school functions baffles me. Why, oh, why must third-graders be subjected to your massive (fake) chest? Your cavernous cleavage? I realize you spent a lot of money on them - well, your future next-ex did anyway -and so you want to show 'em off, take 'em out for a spin. I get it. But aren't there other places better suited than a second grade party to take the girls out for a ride? Who is the target audience, exactly? The teacher? The dads? Erections are wildly inappropriate at grade school functions and could lead to erroneous incarceration and felony charges. So let's cut the dads a break, huh? If the other mothers are your intended quarry then perhaps you could arrange a private showing for those that might be interested. As for me, I don't want to see your titty-crack, ok? It's distracting. At the third-grade ice cream party the stripper, er, mom who was serving had such a spectactular set on display that I didn't know whether to thank her or stuff a fiver down her cleavage. Hell, I could have swiped my credit card through there. Furthermore, I'm certain it confuses the children. The breastfed ones begin to regress and want to nurse again; the bottle-fed ones recall the scent of silicone and begin calling out longingly for their "binkie". It's too much!

It's also demoralizing. One would hope that the post-feminist, 40-something woman would have a definition of sexy that didn't look like amateur pole night at Scores. One would hope that with age came at least a little wisdom and a realization that beauty isn't so narrowly defined as blonde, busty and bronze. Yeah, strippers are universally the three b's; but real women shouldn't have to be. What's worse and that so many of these woman are mothers.....to DAUGHTERS. I can only wonder what sort of sick role modeling is going on there. Hell, even for the sons. The idea that a young boy's idea of womanhood is being molded by his mother this way is depressing. Isn't that what Playboy is for? I mean isn't a mother's job to set the bar high and then watch while the culture slowly chips away at it? These moms seem to concede from the outset that, yes, women are merely hair, tits and a vagina.

Don't get me started on the moms with the low riders so low that I can read the washing instructions on their thong....